We all remember the story of the three little pigs, unless you’re one of today’s youth in which case you’ll want me to talk about Medal of Honour and other such nonsense which isn’t going to happen so get yourselves back to primary school and learn to speak without saying ‘innit’ at the end of every sentence and get a bit of exercise.
Anyway, for those of you who are still here, there have over the years been so many versions of the story that it would take me far too long to recount them all and I’m certain it would bore you all to tears so I’m just going to make my own version up if that’s ok?
Once upon a time there was a mummy pig who had three piglets. As they grew older, Mummy Pig said to them they must go out into the big wide world and build their own homes, but to be careful of the big bad wolf who would love nothing more than to eat them all up. The first little pig came across some straw and built himself a house. He obviously didn’t have a log fire in the house as that would have been a ridiculous fire hazard. The second little pig carried on further up the road and found a big pile of sticks, from which he made his own house, again with no log fire. I must point out at this stage that I am literally making this up as I go along and I have no idea of the relevance of the log fire or where this is going.
The third little pig however, having a friend called Barry who was a property developer, managed to get hold of some bricks at the right price and knocked himself a proper yard together with a hearth the size of Macclesfield which he immediately stoked and sat back with a rather large glass of red reading The Guardian.
A few weeks later, the first little pig was in his front garden when he saw the big bad wolf coming down the road. He quickly ran inside his house. Then he heard “Little pig…Little pig, let me in… Let me in!” “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin!” said the pig. The big bad wolf said “I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll blow your house in!” at which point he did and the straw house came crashing down. Fortunately for the first little pig he’d got some non standard construction insurance via the CompareCrazy website so he wasn’t that bothered. Sadly he didn’t have an opportunity to enjoy the payout on the claim as the wolf snacked him. His children however had a tidy sum left to them which they invested in shares of a recently formed truffle consortium, living their lives in the fast lane and drinking some serious vintage Chateau Petrus on a daily basis to boot.
The next day, the second little pig was in his front garden when he saw the big bad wolf coming down the road. He quickly ran inside his house and locked himself in. Then he heard “Little pig…Little pig, let me in… Let me in!” “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin!” said the pig. The big bad wolf said “I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll blow your house in!” at which point he did and the house of sticks came crashing down. Unfortunately for the second little pig he had got insurance from another well known comparison site and had paid well over the odds. Not that it mattered, as he too was snacked by the big bad wolf but in fairness his children were smarter than he was, and eventually ended up as property magnates who obtained their landlords insurance through CompareCrazy.com.
The next day, the third little pig was in his garden wearing a deep red velvet smoking jacket and a cravat for no apparent reason when the big bad wolf came along. The third little pig casually strolled into his mansion and locked the door, blazed up a big Cuban cigar and called the police. They said that due to cutbacks there wasn’t a patrol car in the area.
To be continued… Perhaps…
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